Things Heard by the Neighbors While Playing Fromsoft Games
I have been making my way through the various “souls” games and I am speaking in tongues. Here are some things you might overhear if you were standing outside a window at my house while I’ve been playing Elden Ring, Demon’s Souls, or Dark Souls.
“Oh cool, yeah, I like how you can just spam your magical bullshit all over me but I am all blocked up in here like a priest teaching Sunday school”
“Must be nice not to have a stamina meter, boy I wish the devs would be so generous with my character!”
“I was rolling you shitty cheating fuck!!”
“No! My shield was up! Oh, okay, I guess the rules don’t matter for you.”
“I love how you can reach me from half way across the level and kill me with one shot — yeah that’s precious”
Me: “Yeah! Come get some! Get some! Get s — fuck!”
My wife: “He got some?”
Me: “Nobody asked for an audience.”
My wife: “Nobody asked for a narrator.”
“Come out and play! Yeah! Come out so I can hit ya! Cmon you chicken!” This is followed by the Peter Griffin teetering laugh as I run like hell after drawing a very strong enemy into the open.
“Fuck!” (And just about every other standalone expletive and slur imaginable…)
Me, mockingly, on death message: “You died!”
My wife: “Man they really like to rub it in. It’s not like you can’t tell from the loud groan and the loading screen.”
Me: “Now you understand why I shout at this fucking thing.”
At any arbitrary time, my wife: “For the love of God will you shut the fuck up! I am gonna take that thing away from you!”
Me: “Do it, I fucking dare you, it would be merciful at this point.”
“I love this game so much.”
“I hate this fucking game!”
Me, proudly showing something to my wife: “See, shit like this is what makes this game special, I really love how cleverly they hide things within the level and -”
Right about there, I am shanked by some asshole creature that snuck up on me: “you motherfuck!!”
My wife: “Right, you were saying?”
Me: “Fuck this fucking game!”
My wife: “You have a lot of souls, you need to go spend them, I don’t wanna hear you start bitching when something kills you…”
My wife, after hearing the sound of death some 30 times in a row: “Sounds like you are playing that fucking game again.”
Me: “How could you tell?”
Wife: “The familiar soundtrack.”
Me, heading into a boss area, to the tune of Jennifer Lopez’s Let’s Get Loud: “Let’s get fucked, let’s get fucked….”
After the fifth or so time I just start humming it.
My wife: “Do you need anything while I’m up?”
Me: “Just a top off on the vaseline please.”
My wife: “Ohh sorry, we are fresh out, can I offer you some sand?”
Me: “Okay going for it again, place bets now…”
My wife: “You’re going to die.”
Me: “Okay sure but — ”
My wife: “You’re going to die, if I took any of these bets I would be independently wealthy.”
Me: “Okay, yeah, I am probably going to die…”
Heard once, maybe every few play sessions: “Boom bitch! Eat it! What now!!!”
My review of the genre: “I have a love-hate relationships with these games, I don’t want to like them but the way the challenges and environments are structured keeps me coming back for more. I think this is some sort of BDSM relationship to be honest.”
My wife’s review of the games: “These games tested our marriage, I couldn’t wait until he moved on to something different.”
Overall: 10/10 would get bent over for another Fromsoft game.
To Fromsoft: I hate you sons of bitches, now please make me a sequel to Elden Ring so I can continue to pay for the abuse.
